..........taking a self-examination.

No, it's not what your thinking; but, rather a reflection of who I really am. This will be a manifesto of who I am and how I think. Sure, you can leave the site now. Anyway, I want to examine happiness and myself. I had a teacher workday yesterday; which gives me time alone to think about things. I spend a lot of time by myself; and as a result, I think a lot; probably too much for my own good. I often think what other people see when they look at me as an individual. I bet I will be pretty close to the truth when I explain it here.

I think people see me as a mainly negative person. That's not really the idea I want for people to get of me, but I think I'm accurate. I feel quite a bit of that negativity comes from my work. Being a high school band director is a challenge in the very best senario. I am constantly working on solving performance problems, dealing with working around who is not here or who hasn't done the work necessary for the group to prosper, etc. Too much problem solving can lead one to seem more negative than he really is. I also teach a subject area that no one really cares about; which makes me very defensive. I'm always defending our right to even exist in the whole school picture. When I say that people really don't care about the band program, I truly mean it. I go to the football games every Friday night, and there are all the school administrators watching, talking to the players, and hailing the coaches as gods. No one ever comes over to my kids and wishes them well before the show performance, or congratulates them after a job well done. In fact, our school leaders never even talk to me about the band kids unless they want us to show-up for something and provide some entertainment, of fill some dead space. Do they even know how long it takes to prepare a ten minute field show? I'm sure they don't. It literally takes me ten weeks to prepare an acceptable field show. That's a lot of rehearsal hours that very few people appreciate. This lack of recognition in my work makes me rebellious and bitter towards other things. I know that's not the right attitude to have; but I can't stop it. I'm a renegade towards this line of thought about my program and my band kids. Just this morning, a coach asked me; "how did your band thing go on Saturday?" I guess I should be impressed with the fact that he asked; but, the way it was asked suggested how he really felt about it - that "band thing". It's not a damn thing - it's a band competition! Does anyone ever ask about how that baseball thing went over the weekend? No, because it's a baseball game! I have pretty much devoted my life to teaching band. It's a highly unappreciated thing in high school, and I'm offended that my life's professional efforts are going without notice. My gosh, I've gone to college for five years, spent countless hours (without pay) going to special clinics and performances, and giving students the opportunity to express themselves in an amazing art form; and it's called a "band thing"! Okay, so you get the point - I resent how others view what I do with the better portion of my life, and I'm defensive about it. I think that does breed some negativity.

Another facet of me is my desire to be competitive. Oh, how I wish I could shake being so competitive. I have the worst time accepting failure. Now, here we have to examine what is failure, because failure is definitely one of those things that is on a sliding scale. Failure to me is anything below the best possible outcome! What a horrible attitude to have! We finished third in our class of six bands at the Appalachian State University Marching Band Contest this past weekend. The ASU contest is usually a real bloodbath competition, and I knew that going into it. The level of competition is high and we would be competing aganist strong bands. The other part of the equation is a reflection of my personality. I don't do "artsy fartsy" type shows. We usually play some harder hitting music that lends itself to some excitement; which is what I feel marching band should really be. I've been around long enough in this business to witness the rise of the drum and bugle corps. In the early 1980's, the marching band movement was one where directors who liked marching band tried desperatly to make it a legitimate art form. That meant bringing music of the classics onto the field. Most of the top directors both at the college and high school levels, viewed marching band as nothing more than loud music with little or no educational value. The drum and bugle corps movement of the 1980's began our move toward bringing traditionally concert oriented music to the field, to show that marching band could be just as eduational as the traditional concert group. I never bought this stupid theory, and I never will. Again, I'm a renegade when it comes to my music selections. At the ASU contest, we saw shows entitled, "The Seasons", "The Music of Imagination", and even George Gershwin's, "Rhapsody in Blue" (they brought a grand piano onto the field). No doubt that some of these shows were performed well; but is it marching band? Not in my book; and I'll never fold to the pressure that the drum and bugle corps put on groups and judges to play this garbage - yes, garbage! If I see another expressive show of original compositions based on the sounds of the seasons, I pray that you all hide the sharp objects from me. Well, back to me. These shows beat us all the time and I resent that. I get great comments from the ASU professors, the crowd response is outstanding, and we finish third because "it just isn't musical enough". No doubt that this affects my overall attitude a great deal; but, as stated before I can't bring myself to do that stuff. I can't even imagine selling a classical type show to my students or my hometown crowd. With all this being said, I guess one of the biggest reasons that I seem negative is that I know that my band director peers don't respect my work. That bothers me because I try so very hard to achieve and be respected as a professional. I just can't seem to get there. Yes, I do think a large part of the problem is feeling inferior to my fellow band directors, and I am so scared that I'll be viewed as one of those guys who really doesn't know what he is doing professionally. Do other musical professionals laugh at what I do? Do they use what I do as an example of what not to do? I really don't know, but I think it's a possibility. Does anyone in the business really respect what I do with my bands? That's a good question; and one that I really don't have the answer for. I just know that I try hard to build a program that the kids will benefit and learn from.

I like nice, neat, tidy endings to situations. There's probably a disorder that describes the way I am in that respect. Yesterday, on my teacher workday, I put together a couple of storage units which allowed me to get some stuff in the uniform/flag room off the floor; I wrote some letters of recommendation for a few students, I organized the room, and I planned our band trip for the weekend. Everything had a nice, neat, tidy ending to the task. I hate open-ended situations!

Another side of me is the competitive nature of my soul. I seem to never be satisfied with things. I think that I'm afraid that I will cease to exist if I'm not always trying to be better. This is a circle of events that will take us back to the band competition thing again. I love competition and I love to win. I get the biggest satisfaction out of winning when we really shouldn't. What I mean there is winning aganist higher odds. This lack of satisfaction goes into almost every part of my life as well. I just can't sit back and relax if I know it can be done better. You don't know how much this huants me, and I wish that I could think differently.

Yet another part of me wants to analyze too many situations. Have you seen the move, "The Four Seasons"? If not, you have to. Alan Alda actually plays me in the movie! No, not really; but his character reminds me so much of me! In the movie, Alda's character is always driving everyone crazy as he tries to "get to the heart of it all". Yep, that's me in a nutshell. I know that I need to let many thoughts alone and just forget about it, but the thought of a loose end drives me nuts! I like resolution in everything.

I really do have high hopes for my life. I look forward to things on the horizon, and I gain so much happiness in doing so. The real joy of my life is spending time with my wife and children. Right now, I'm looking forward to our annual Disney World trip. Some of the happiest times of my life have been there with them. I love to see my kids in the different activities in which they participate. I love to go out on dates with my wife. I love the fact that I have a very personal relationship with God. I really never do feel completely alone. None of the happy things have involved my professional life. What's the deal with that? I do get joy and happiness in my career, but it seems too far and in between. Maybe that can change with some effort.

So, there it is - me! Should I see a shrink? Probably so, but I know what the doctor would say - "so, how does that make you feel?" There would be a crime committed at some point with conversation like that. It's no doubt to me as to why many people view me as negative, and why I don't really have any friends that enjoy being around me. I often hear that to improve yourself, you first have to accept that there is a problem. Well, I just admitted to that. There are lots of problems with my personality, and I guess I'll try to work some of it out myself. Accepting things for what they are and just doing my best is the obvious answer. It's going to be a tough road for me, but I have to try. By the way, if you read this entire post; I thank you from the bottom of my soul. In fact, you probably deserve some type of reward for doing so.