..........I'm taking a break.

Yes, I'll be out of blogland for a little while. I've got some personal feelings to square-away and I don't quite get the joy that I used to in blogging. It's funny how one thing leads to another; and today I just made some realizations about myself and my life that bother me.

I'm presently in my 26th year of teaching band in the public schools. I've always given it 100% of myself and I work as hard as I can to produce an outstanding performance medium for my students. I just realized today truly how much that my subject area just doesn't matter at all. Nobody really cares about the band. If we never marched another field show or played another concert - no one would care. We have a state football playoff game this Friday night - I really don't think I'm even going to have the band get into uniform and march. I think we will just sit in the stands and play music the whole time. That's all people really want - just "pump up the boys" for the big game. I've tried for years and years to get my kids the same amount of pulicity that the sports kids get. Talk about pissing into the wind! That type of equality will never happen - what was I thinking? I've taken these kids to parades all over the state, we've gone to five major college football bowl games all over the southeast U.S., and we've scored honor ratings of "superior" at marching and concert contests. Again, nobody really cares. It has made no impact at all. To prove my point; I recently sent an article and picture of the band to our local newspaper concerning the bowl game we are going to perform at this coming January. We're going to the BCS National Championship Bowl Game in the Louisiana Superdome - the biggest damn college football game in the nation! Where did those son of a bitches put my article and picture? Yep, they buried it on page #5 in the community events section. On the other hand, our football team just won 1st place in the Mountain Valley 2-A football conference by virture of a blind drawing (we tied with Wilkes Central for 1st, so they did a drawing). You know where this is going - yep, a big color picture and article right on the front page! Nobody really cares about the efforts of my band kids. I can't tell them that or they would all quit. They eventually realize it themselves when they get older.

Have I wasted all these years that I've given to my career? I truly think I have. Nobody really says "thank you" anymore. The principals and other administrators don't give a damn. The parents barely do, and the kids are getting very complacent as well. They, the kids, really don't care about the level of their performance anymore. I went to college for five years to take this abuse! I'm not that sharp of a guy, academically speaking; and I'm not a strong musician either. In fact, I really don't belong in this business when I look at myself compared to a majority of my band director peers. I'm average and below on all accounts. I have a few organizational and leadership skills that have carried me through and masked the fact that I'm not a very good musician.

And as for teaching kids; I'm losing more and more of my patience each and every day. I'll admit that some days (and becoming more often that I care to admit) I just come into class with a big chip on my shoulder; waiting for someone to do or say the wrong thing. That's not right and fair to the kids. They deserve better. I'm not getting the same amount of productivity that I used to; and I really think it's me. Sure, kids have changed a lot in the past years; but, they aren't changing any faster than they used to. I'm the one that's changing faster than is healthy for the kids.

Where do I go from here? Well, I really don't have much choice in the matter. I have to remain in my position for another three years; that is, if I don't get sick and have to use too much of my sick leave. Right now, the plan is to work three more years and use a year's worth of sick leave to equate out my thirty years of service. At that point, I'll fade into total obscurity.

In fact, I think I'll begin fading right now. Enjoy the break! No more Bush/Cheney/Republican bashing for a while.